written by C.W. Kalb, Jr., and Lonnie Carneal

INTRO: C F

I got a letter from the IRS
Inviting me to be their guest
At an audit they were conducting just for me
They said no need to worry, probably nothing wrong
Just bring your wife and your children along
We just need to clear up a small technicality

Now the only problem with an audit is
My wife Juanita and our 14 kids
Friends you cannot believe the refunds they have been worth
But it was years ago that I got this idea
When I bought Juanita thru the mail from Korea
She’s an inflatable doll, but she came with a certificate of birth

I was a single guy without any deductions
So I claimed Juanita and what a reduction
I received with her as my spouse on the taxes I pay
That worked so well that every year after that
I reported a birth when I paid my tax
Each kid certified by Cabbage Patch USA

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)

So I dressed Juanita like the perfect mother
Velcro’d the children to one another
And when we walked into that audit those people nearly flipped their lids
I said Juanita might lay around and never cook
And the children don’t clean their rooms and never crack a book
But hey they ain’t no different from my brother’s wife and kids

And I got social security cards here for every one
My wife, my daughters and all of my sons
All offically issued by the government of the USA
So before you call me down to muster
Somebody here better think twice buster
Do you really wanna be the one to accuse the government of making a big mistake

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My C-oh-2 senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)

BRIDGE:
That agent sat there his mouth agape
Thinking over that government mistake
And how his civil service career could be at its end

And then he reached for his stamp that said approved
And said hope the kids do better next year and school
And why don’t you and the missus drop by and say hello now and then

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
Looks like you and the kids all get to stay (stay-ay-ay-ay)
What’s that honey, you need to get home quick?
You say you started feelin’ a little sick?
And you think you might once again be in a family way?

What’s that? You think it might be triplets this time?
Juanita, you are a wonder!
Do what? Why, of course we can support your mother!
I even think her moving expenses are deductible too.
Does she still live in Bangkok? [F/]

written by C.W. Kalb, Jr.

INTRO: C#

On a chicken farm just downstream from Oak Ridge Tennessee
A nuclear reactor leaks some water accidently
What happened next is like a horror story by Ralph Nader
That toxic waste leaked into a brood house incubator

(KEY CHANGE)

Inside that chicken coop they always keep the TV on
Said the programs help the chicks to grow, help to keep them calm
As 4 little chickens put that heavy water down their gullets
The kung fu show was on the air and somethin’ happened to those pullets
They began to grow, and grow, with that kung fu show locked in their brains
That’s the only way we can explain

CHORUS 1:
Teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)
Big as a house strong as the dickens (buck-buck)
Anything they want is easy pickins (buck-buck-buck)
For teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)

One said his name was Fricassi, the second Cordon Bleu
The third was Catchetori, and the fourth they just called Stew
They could’ve been dangerous having grown so big on heavy water
But they decided they would live their lives on the side of law and order

CHORUS 2:
Teenage mutant kung fu roosters (buck-buck)
Bad guys won’t have it easy like they uster (buck-ack)
They come with tai kuando and all the fixins (buck-buck-buck)
They’re teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)

SPOKEN:
Yeah, we’s just all down there at the barn holdin’ the auction
So we wouldn’t lose the farm, when all of a sudden these big pullets
With black scarves ‘round their fore’ds come over that hill yonder and
Surrounded them bankers, pecked ‘em on the heads, dropped ‘em like green persimons.
Yeah then they went down there at the bottom ‘forty, start scratchin’ around like
chickens’d wan’ to do, ‘fore you know it they’d plowed that whole field ready for plantin’.
Yeah, they saved our farm.

[A/]

CHORUS 1

Teenage mutant kung fu chickens..…….

[A/] Hey cock-a-doodle dude!