[Riff 1]
I [(E)]WAS PISSED AND DISORDERLY, AG[(A)]AIN LAST FRIDAY NIGHT
I [(B)]GOT THROWN OUT OF THE PUB JUST AFTER [(E)]NINE
IT[(E)]S NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT ITS HAPPENED
BU[(A)]T IF I REMEMBER RIGHT, I[(B)] THINK THEY CAUGHT ME PISSING IN THE F[(E)]IRE

WALTZIN’ TRIPPIN’ TO THE CAR PARK,[(A)] TOOK A SHORT CUT DOWN A LANE
WH[(B)]EN A FUCKING CAT JUMPED OUT A RUBBISH [(E)]TIN
SO I PICKED THE CUNT UP BY ITS TAIL ,A[(A)]ND LOOKED HIM UP AND DOWN
NOW F[(B)]ANCY THROWING AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD CAT LIKE[(E)] him

[ Tab from: http://www.guitartabs.cc/tabs/k/kevin_bloody_wilson/that_fuckin_cats_back_crd.html ]
[(A)]BUT THAT FUCKIN’ CATS[(D)] BACK,[(A)] NOW HOW’D HE DO[(E)] THAT
[(E)]I SLAMMED ME FOOT RIGHT UP HIS BUM AND KICKED THE C[(A)]UNT TO KINGDOM[(B)] COME
[(A)]NOW WHERE THE FUCK DID HE COME FROM THAT [(B)]FUCKING CATS [(E)]BACK

[Riff 2]

I took all the back streets, going home that night,
Cause I didnt wanna end up in the can
And Id just turned into my street after stopping at the lights
When some big prick went and trodded on me hand
I finally got to my place, and tripped ass up on the lawn
Then I spewed me guts up on the cat
I remember eating peanuts and a soggy pie with sauce
But Im fucked if I remember eating that

[back to chorus]

[Riff 3]

I slipped in beside me misses, the wrong way up in bed
With me feet where me head was supposed to be
I thought her bed socks where her nightcap
And her knee caps where her tits
But her rotten breath still smelt the same to me
And I just crashed like that till morning
The wrong way up in bed
And Christ I had the horrors when i woke
I though me missus snatch was that fucking cat again
And worse than that some cunt had cut its throat

[back to chorus]

Ten days in Bali, got four days to go ten days of terror cos im glued to the throne,
And im shittin’ in litres and firin’ both ends, i’ll never shit solid again.

And its cost me a fortune for this holiday, stead of pissin’ it up,

christ, im shittin’ it away.

cause im glued to the loo while my mates are out raving, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’ll never shit solid again, or hold anything down for as long as i live,
cause me arse is jammed open from freckle fatigue, i’ll never shit solid again.

I called mum back home, she said mix up a cup of cornflour and gravox to

thicken it up,

then she pissed her self laughin and hung up the phone, i’ll never shit solid again.

Just had a crap and im wiping me ring, havent quite finished, start spewin’ again,
Jesus, hope i remember to use the right hand, i’ll never shit solid again.

i’ll never shit solid again, so i’ll rig up a faucet to stick up me ring,
at least when i fart i wont splatter me jeans, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’m doin’ cartwheels as i try to guess, a crap or a chunder christ whats comin’ next,
will it spray through me fingers or run down me leg, i’ll never shit solid again.

slipped on some shit a foot thick on the floor, skidded arse over tit,

then i spewed a bit more,

Now i gotta sift through it cause me denture fell in, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’ll never shit solid again, me rings hanging out and me guts have caved in,
i’ll be buried in a bucket and me mates will all sing…………………

“He’ll never shit solid again”

[(C)]I come from an outback town where [(F)]fuckin nothin [(C)]grows
No [(F)]wheat no sheep s[(C)]o we cant even[(G)] host an annual[(G)] show
But [(C)]we got somethin special there that [(F)]sets our town[(C)] apart
[(F)]Coz each year in a[(C)] shed we hold the[(G)] festival of [(C)]farts
T[(C)]heres displays and competitions And[(F)] entries from a[(C)]far
And tho[(F)]se that cant get[(C)] into town jus[(G)]t send in littl[(G)]e jars
And [(C)]old fat sarge the local cop with cl[(F)]ipboard and a[(C)] pen
Unscre[(F)]ws the lid and tak[(C)]es a whiff then s[(G)]cores em 1 to[(C)] 10
He’ll give you [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
[(C)]And two for presentation of the fa[(F)]ncy little jar[(C)]s
And a [(F)]medal for the b[(C)]est fart at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
[(C)]And you should see the mob this year That c[(F)]ramed into the[(C)] shed
He[(F)]ar the big guns [(C)]blazing In the [(G)]farting talent [(G)]QUest
[(C)]With old sarge on a megaphone as he [(F)]reads the riot[(C)] act
” Now se[(F)]ttle down you b[(C)]astards, can you [(G)]hear me at the[(C)] back
[(C)]Now we’ll give em all a go alright, and[(F)] butt them cig[(C)]arettes
And [(F)]any of you cunts [(C)]play up tonight, i’ll [(G)]bust ur fuckin [(G)]head”
And[(C)] he unfolds his directors chair And squ[(F)]ats on his fat[(C)] arse
To a[(F)]djudicate the e[(C)]ntries in the [(G)]festival of [(C)]farts
He’ll give you [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]two for presentation, s[(F)]tyle and grace and [(C)]class
And a[(F)] medal for the [(C)]best fart at the [(G)]festival of [(C)]farts
Then[(C)] the crowd roars its approval As the [(F)]first bloke lets on[(C)]e go
Fuckin th[(F)]under from down u[(C)]nder To [(G)]open up the sh[(G)]ow
Then[(C)] a double burblin gurgler With a [(F)]chilli after[(C)]burn
Then [(F)]a downdraft knacker c[(C)]langer Shit that [(G)]must have fuckin [(C)]hurt
And the s[(C)]ilence single singer That t[(F)]ook us by su[(C)]rprise
And a n[(F)]otchous nostril b[(C)]urner That br[(G)]ung tears to our [(G)]eyes
And [(C)]old sarge the cranky bastard Sat there ad[(F)]ding up the [(C)]marks
As po[(F)]pular as [(C)]embroids at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
coz he’ll get [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]two for presentation, s[(F)]tyle and grace and [(C)]class
And a m[(F)]edal for the b[(C)]est fart at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
But the h[(C)]ighlight of the show this year Was tw[(F)]o kids with a go[(C)]at
That they’d [(F)]fed on rocks and [(C)]rotten eggs And [(G)]dragged in on a r[(G)]ope
And as on[(C)]e young fella grabbed his horns to l[(F)]ine old billy [(C)]up
His mat[(F)]e just warned the ground the go[(C)]ats arse and feck[(G)] kicked him in the
[(C)]guts
And that [(C]old goat fired a fuckin beauty Like a [(F]shotgun goin o[(C)]ff
And fired a[(F)] lethal load of g[(C)]ravel shrapnel Scared [(G)]shit out of the m[(G)]ob
And as th[(C)]ey all dived for cover and h[(F)]it the deck in f[(C)]ear
Old sar[(F)]ge just kept on [(C)]markin buck shot [(G)]whizzin past his [(C)]ears
He’d give em [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And all i[(C)]n all that bloated goat had [(F)]probably scored [(C)]a ten
Except his f[(F)]artin shit and sh[(C)]ot old fuckin s[(G)]arge arse over he[(G)]ad
Then with[(C)] all of the confusion And no[(F)] cunt keepin sco[(C)]re
And [(F)]old sarge fuckin [(C)]screamin They just [(G)]pissed off out th[(G)]e door
And even w[(C)]hen the dust had settled [(F)]No-one seemed to[(C)] care
that they’d [(F)]fucked off with the [(C)]medal Coz they’d [(G)]won it fair and s[(C)]quare
That goat got[(C)] 2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]three big cheers from all of us For [(F)]pay back on old [(C)]sarge
and a[(F)] medal for the[(C)] best fart at the[(G)] festival of [(C)]farts
That goat got[(C)] 2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]three big cheers from all of us For [(F)]wingin poor old [(C)]sarge
and a [(F)]medal for the [(C)]best fart at the [(G)]festival of f[(C)]arts

(Riff 1) D to A

E————|
B————|
G————|
D——-0—-|
A-0-2-4——|
E————|

(Riff 2) A to D

E————|
B————|
G————|
D-0———-|
A—4-2-0—-|
E————|

No need to tell me
I can tell it’s all over
I can see that our love’s on the rocks
I’ve known for some time
That the passion was dying
E E A (Riff 1)
Since the handjobs and the headjobs had stopped

And fucking? Fucking forget it
May as well feed this here bone to the dog
And me heart is are breaking
And me love spuds are aching
D (Riff 2)
And I’m missing you..
Sucking me cock

I’ve lost count of the pearl necklaces I give ya
And the facials from the odd tonsil prod
And I miss the way
You’d smile as you gargle
E A (Riff 1)
Hold your nose and then swallow the lot

Now there’s an unemployed sign, pinned on me fly
And me zipper’s all rusty and locked
And I miss your sweet lips, doing tricks with me dick
D (Riff 2)
And I’m missing you..
Sucking me cock

Since you’ve stopped giving head
I’ve been wanking instead
Till I’ve near-worn the fucking knob off
And me gonads are hurting

They’re bulging near bursting
A A7 (Riff 1)
Now the sucking and slurping have stopped

Can’t wank fast enough, cause it keeps backing up
Since your spittle has dried on me knob
And me sphincter’s missing your finger
D (Riff 2)
And I’m missing you..
Sucking me cock
And me sphincter’s missing your finger
D (Riff 2)
While I’m missing you..
Sucking me cock

Band – Kevin Bloody Wilson
Album – Kalgoorlie Love Songs
Song – Darlin’ I’m So Horny
Tabbed by – Taylor Wasielewski(Singer/ Guitarist of Cantopulous)

Intro: C G F C G C

Verse 1:
The kids are at ya mother’s place, the house is finally ours.
There’s bugger all on tele, and we’re just sittin’ around.
And ya look all right in the light tonight and I’m down to socks and skids.
You’re a walk up start for a fuck tonight so go and put ya teeth in.

Chorus:
‘Cause darlin’ I’m so horny I could die.
I’d fuck a chicken on a chain tonight just to see the feathers fly.
I’ll drown in backed up bodily fluids if I don’t get a fuck tonight.
‘Cause darlin’ I’m so horny I could die.

Verse 2:
So you slip out of your canvas nighty, I’ll kick off me skids.
Ya just can’t beat a good old fashion fuck, ta’ help ya get a good nights sleep.
So grab the jar of vasaline, and drag ya arse across the room.
Prepare to meet thy baby maker, prepare to meet thy doom.

Play Chorus:

Verse 3:
So clear the table Mabel, let me grab a hold of those tits.
One, two, three, four, foreplay’s over, now let’s get down to business.
I got a hard-on here that a cat couldn’t scratch, so ya better get a bucket of ice.
Been a bit a back pressure buildin’ up, so darlin’ hang on tight.

Play Chorus twice:

Oh darlin’ I’m so horny I could die.
Oh darlin’ I’m so horny I could die.

I’m the kinda bloke that would like to think that if I can go back in time

That Banjo and Henry and even Ned Kelly would all be good mates of mine

Cause their pisspots and poets and outlaws and I can relate to that

And I can relate to their attitude too in word DILLIGAF
Pre-Chorus

That spells D- I -L-L-I -G-A-F DILLIGAF

G (4 bars)
This is what it means
Chorus 1
Do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF?

Am I being direct enough DILLIGAF?

It’s just another way of saying look I couldn’t give a fucking rat’s arse mate

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, your turn

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, do it again

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF

Verse 2
Its stress relief made easy its simple and it works

Just say DILLIGAF next time you’re got to deal with dickheads wankers and jerks

And when you go out stick a DILLIGAF on your T-Shirt or your hat

And when some cunts giving you the shits say mate read that
Pre-Chorus

That spells D- I -L-L-I -G-A-F DILLIGAF

G (4 bars)
Lets tell them what it means
Chorus 2
Do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF?

Am I being direct enough DILLIGAF?

It’s just another way of saying look I couldn’t give a fucking rat’s arse mate

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, your turn

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, do it again

Do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF?

Am I politically enough DILLIGAF?

It’s just another way of saying look I couldn’t give a rodent’s rectum mate

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, your bit

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF, big finish

And do I look like I give a fuck DILLIGAF,
Outro
(CHORDS)

intro: (x2)

e–9–9–9–9—-7–5—-7–7–7–7—-5–4—-2–2–4–5–4–2–0–
B-10-10-10-10—-9–7—-9–9–9–9—-7–5—-4–4–5–7–5–4–0–
G——————————————————————-
D——————————————————————-
A——————————————————————-
E——————————————————————-

Verse:

Blown too much of me time buying dinner and wine

And money on flowers and lollies

Only to find that what’s on me mind

Isn’t on her’s and she’s sorry

So I’ve made up some lines that save wasting time

And keep me from blowin me brass

I’m ever so cool, I just prop up me stool

Right next to her’s and I ask:

chorus:

N.C. A
Do ya fuck on first dates?

Does your dad own a brewery?

Could I feel your tits?

Or will you show them to me?

‘Cause you’ve got a nice head

And you look pretty honest

So me face’ll be leavin’ in quart’ of an hour

I’d like you to be on it.

(repeat intro lick)

You now how it feels, when you first meet a sheila
And the bullshit you gotta go through
Like callin’ her up and tellin’ her ya love her
When all that you’d love is just to screw
But she wants to hold hands, and you to meet her old man
And sit around for hours and talk
But me new method is, simply cut through the shit
And get on to the goodies straight off

Do ya fuck on first date?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
Do ya sleep in the nick?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide between your place or mine
We can fuck off, then

(intro lick)

So the next time you see, a good lookin’ sheila
And you’d give a week’s pay to hold her
Don’t sit acting dumb, just run her for long
And drop a few lines that I’ve told you
This new method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will
I’ve been spat at and slapped and kneed in the nack
But then I’ve got a few fucks as well

Do ya fuck on first date?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
If the answer is no
To me questions above
Then be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does

(intro lick)