Ten days in Bali, got four days to go ten days of terror cos im glued to the throne,
And im shittin’ in litres and firin’ both ends, i’ll never shit solid again.

And its cost me a fortune for this holiday, stead of pissin’ it up,

christ, im shittin’ it away.

cause im glued to the loo while my mates are out raving, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’ll never shit solid again, or hold anything down for as long as i live,
cause me arse is jammed open from freckle fatigue, i’ll never shit solid again.

I called mum back home, she said mix up a cup of cornflour and gravox to

thicken it up,

then she pissed her self laughin and hung up the phone, i’ll never shit solid again.

Just had a crap and im wiping me ring, havent quite finished, start spewin’ again,
Jesus, hope i remember to use the right hand, i’ll never shit solid again.

i’ll never shit solid again, so i’ll rig up a faucet to stick up me ring,
at least when i fart i wont splatter me jeans, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’m doin’ cartwheels as i try to guess, a crap or a chunder christ whats comin’ next,
will it spray through me fingers or run down me leg, i’ll never shit solid again.

slipped on some shit a foot thick on the floor, skidded arse over tit,

then i spewed a bit more,

Now i gotta sift through it cause me denture fell in, i’ll never shit solid again.

I’ll never shit solid again, me rings hanging out and me guts have caved in,
i’ll be buried in a bucket and me mates will all sing…………………

“He’ll never shit solid again”

[(C)]I come from an outback town where [(F)]fuckin nothin [(C)]grows
No [(F)]wheat no sheep s[(C)]o we cant even[(G)] host an annual[(G)] show
But [(C)]we got somethin special there that [(F)]sets our town[(C)] apart
[(F)]Coz each year in a[(C)] shed we hold the[(G)] festival of [(C)]farts
T[(C)]heres displays and competitions And[(F)] entries from a[(C)]far
And tho[(F)]se that cant get[(C)] into town jus[(G)]t send in littl[(G)]e jars
And [(C)]old fat sarge the local cop with cl[(F)]ipboard and a[(C)] pen
Unscre[(F)]ws the lid and tak[(C)]es a whiff then s[(G)]cores em 1 to[(C)] 10
He’ll give you [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
[(C)]And two for presentation of the fa[(F)]ncy little jar[(C)]s
And a [(F)]medal for the b[(C)]est fart at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
[(C)]And you should see the mob this year That c[(F)]ramed into the[(C)] shed
He[(F)]ar the big guns [(C)]blazing In the [(G)]farting talent [(G)]QUest
[(C)]With old sarge on a megaphone as he [(F)]reads the riot[(C)] act
” Now se[(F)]ttle down you b[(C)]astards, can you [(G)]hear me at the[(C)] back
[(C)]Now we’ll give em all a go alright, and[(F)] butt them cig[(C)]arettes
And [(F)]any of you cunts [(C)]play up tonight, i’ll [(G)]bust ur fuckin [(G)]head”
And[(C)] he unfolds his directors chair And squ[(F)]ats on his fat[(C)] arse
To a[(F)]djudicate the e[(C)]ntries in the [(G)]festival of [(C)]farts
He’ll give you [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]two for presentation, s[(F)]tyle and grace and [(C)]class
And a[(F)] medal for the [(C)]best fart at the [(G)]festival of [(C)]farts
Then[(C)] the crowd roars its approval As the [(F)]first bloke lets on[(C)]e go
Fuckin th[(F)]under from down u[(C)]nder To [(G)]open up the sh[(G)]ow
Then[(C)] a double burblin gurgler With a [(F)]chilli after[(C)]burn
Then [(F)]a downdraft knacker c[(C)]langer Shit that [(G)]must have fuckin [(C)]hurt
And the s[(C)]ilence single singer That t[(F)]ook us by su[(C)]rprise
And a n[(F)]otchous nostril b[(C)]urner That br[(G)]ung tears to our [(G)]eyes
And [(C)]old sarge the cranky bastard Sat there ad[(F)]ding up the [(C)]marks
As po[(F)]pular as [(C)]embroids at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
coz he’ll get [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]two for presentation, s[(F)]tyle and grace and [(C)]class
And a m[(F)]edal for the b[(C)]est fart at the f[(G)]estival of [(C)]farts
But the h[(C)]ighlight of the show this year Was tw[(F)]o kids with a go[(C)]at
That they’d [(F)]fed on rocks and [(C)]rotten eggs And [(G)]dragged in on a r[(G)]ope
And as on[(C)]e young fella grabbed his horns to l[(F)]ine old billy [(C)]up
His mat[(F)]e just warned the ground the go[(C)]ats arse and feck[(G)] kicked him in the
[(C)]guts
And that [(C]old goat fired a fuckin beauty Like a [(F]shotgun goin o[(C)]ff
And fired a[(F)] lethal load of g[(C)]ravel shrapnel Scared [(G)]shit out of the m[(G)]ob
And as th[(C)]ey all dived for cover and h[(F)]it the deck in f[(C)]ear
Old sar[(F)]ge just kept on [(C)]markin buck shot [(G)]whizzin past his [(C)]ears
He’d give em [(C)]2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And all i[(C)]n all that bloated goat had [(F)]probably scored [(C)]a ten
Except his f[(F)]artin shit and sh[(C)]ot old fuckin s[(G)]arge arse over he[(G)]ad
Then with[(C)] all of the confusion And no[(F)] cunt keepin sco[(C)]re
And [(F)]old sarge fuckin [(C)]screamin They just [(G)]pissed off out th[(G)]e door
And even w[(C)]hen the dust had settled [(F)]No-one seemed to[(C)] care
that they’d [(F)]fucked off with the [(C)]medal Coz they’d [(G)]won it fair and s[(C)]quare
That goat got[(C)] 2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]three big cheers from all of us For [(F)]pay back on old [(C)]sarge
and a[(F)] medal for the[(C)] best fart at the[(G)] festival of [(C)]farts
That goat got[(C)] 2 points for Aroma
[(F)]2 for the bouq[(C)]uet
[(F)]2 for fermen[(C)]tation
And [(G)]2 more for decay
And [(C)]three big cheers from all of us For [(F)]wingin poor old [(C)]sarge
and a [(F)]medal for the [(C)]best fart at the [(G)]festival of f[(C)]arts