Riff #1 is super simple:
A —0-1
[1-3–]
Opening is F and Bb, with a run similar to Riff #1 but ending on a C note (3rd
fret on A string) before returning to the chords.

Well, ya done me wrong so many times and made blue,
I don’t remember what I ever saw in you,
And here ya go again, hurtin’ me,
It’s plain to see that I’ll always be
Sick and tired of all your lyin’ and your cheatin’
And the way you been mistreatin’ me.
So let me tell ya, friend,
You’ll never get the chance to break my heart again.
F C F (Riff #1)
Furthermore, furthermore, on top of that,
(no chords)
I don’t love ya anyway.

Ya told me that you’d always love and treat me fair,
But lately, baby, seems like you don’t even care
About me anymore, you slam the door on me,
Made me as mad as I can be,
And I’m not gonna take it anymore
Of bein’ fooled again like I was before,
‘Cause, baby, this is it, I quit.
You can just forget that we ever met,
And furthermore, yes, furthermore, on top of that,
I don’t love ya anyway.

No, baby, I don’t love you anyway.
I just realized that fact, as a matter of fact, today.
And anybody who would treat me like you do
Don’t deserve a tear, not a frown, not a sigh,
Not a single boo-hoo yo-de-la-de-whoo.

So get on outta here, and go away and let me be,
And leave me by myself and set me free.
I wanna be alone and on my own so get gone.
Don’t you even telephone.
Hit the trail, move it out,
Adios, arivedercci, ciao ciao,
Don’tcha ever try to come back, auf Wiedersehen,
You know what that means? That’s bye-bye.
And furthermore, furthermore, on top of that.
(raspberry)

He don’t love you anyway, that’s what he said.
No, he don’t love you anyway, so this is the end.

There you go. A wonderfully sad tune from an interesting musician.
Email me justabaldguy A_T hotmail D_O_T com if you like this one.
Be well.

written by C.W. Kalb, Jr., and Lonnie Carneal

INTRO: C F

I got a letter from the IRS
Inviting me to be their guest
At an audit they were conducting just for me
They said no need to worry, probably nothing wrong
Just bring your wife and your children along
We just need to clear up a small technicality

Now the only problem with an audit is
My wife Juanita and our 14 kids
Friends you cannot believe the refunds they have been worth
But it was years ago that I got this idea
When I bought Juanita thru the mail from Korea
She’s an inflatable doll, but she came with a certificate of birth

I was a single guy without any deductions
So I claimed Juanita and what a reduction
I received with her as my spouse on the taxes I pay
That worked so well that every year after that
I reported a birth when I paid my tax
Each kid certified by Cabbage Patch USA

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)

So I dressed Juanita like the perfect mother
Velcro’d the children to one another
And when we walked into that audit those people nearly flipped their lids
I said Juanita might lay around and never cook
And the children don’t clean their rooms and never crack a book
But hey they ain’t no different from my brother’s wife and kids

And I got social security cards here for every one
My wife, my daughters and all of my sons
All offically issued by the government of the USA
So before you call me down to muster
Somebody here better think twice buster
Do you really wanna be the one to accuse the government of making a big mistake

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My C-oh-2 senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)

BRIDGE:
That agent sat there his mouth agape
Thinking over that government mistake
And how his civil service career could be at its end

And then he reached for his stamp that said approved
And said hope the kids do better next year and school
And why don’t you and the missus drop by and say hello now and then

CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
Looks like you and the kids all get to stay (stay-ay-ay-ay)
What’s that honey, you need to get home quick?
You say you started feelin’ a little sick?
And you think you might once again be in a family way?

What’s that? You think it might be triplets this time?
Juanita, you are a wonder!
Do what? Why, of course we can support your mother!
I even think her moving expenses are deductible too.
Does she still live in Bangkok? [F/]

He’s free as the breeze, he’s always at ease,

He lives in the jungle and hangs by his knees,

As he swings through the trees,

Without a trapeze, in his B.V.D.s (Heh, Heh.)

#2.
He’s got a union card and he’s practicing hard,

to play the guitar, gonna be a big star.
Yeah, he’s gonna go far..and carry moonbeams home in a jar…
He ordered Chet’s guitar course C.O.D.

He likes A and E and he’s working on B,

digs C&W and R&B and even the Chimpanzees agree

that someday soon he’ll be a celebrity.
Get it, get it, get it.

CHORUS:
Gitarzan, he’s a gitar man!
He’s all you can stand,
Give him a hand, Gitarzan!

(Tarzan yell.)

#3.
He’s got a girl named Jane, with no last name.

Kinda homely thang, but he loves her just the same,

Cause she kindles the flame and it drives him insane,

when he hears her sing, she really does her thing,

it’s her claim to fame…Come on, sing one, Jane.

(Jane…falsetto.)
Baby…baby, Whoa, oh baby…Baby, whoa! oh baby.
Whoaaaaa baby! Ohhh baby.

(How about that! Let’s hear it for Jane!)

#4.
They’ve got a pet monkey who likes to get drunkie

and sing boogie woogie and it sounds real funky.

Come on, your turn, boy! Sing one monkey!

(Monkey sounds.)

Let’s hear it for the monkey!

#5.
On Saturday night they need some excitement,

Jane gets right and the monkey gets tight,

And their voices unite in the pale moonlight,

And it sounds all right, yeah, it’s dynamite,

it’s out of sight! Let’s hear it right….now!

Baby, baby. Oh, baby (Monkey and Tarzan sounds.)

Shut up baby, I’m trying to sing.
Get it, get it, get it…

CHORUS:
Gitarzan, he’s a gitar man!
He’s all you can stand,
Give him a hand, Gitarzan!

CHORUS:
Gitarzan, he’s a gitar man!
He’s all you can stand,
Give him a hand, Gitarzan! (Fade.)

written by C.W. Kalb, Jr.

INTRO: C#

On a chicken farm just downstream from Oak Ridge Tennessee
A nuclear reactor leaks some water accidently
What happened next is like a horror story by Ralph Nader
That toxic waste leaked into a brood house incubator

(KEY CHANGE)

Inside that chicken coop they always keep the TV on
Said the programs help the chicks to grow, help to keep them calm
As 4 little chickens put that heavy water down their gullets
The kung fu show was on the air and somethin’ happened to those pullets
They began to grow, and grow, with that kung fu show locked in their brains
That’s the only way we can explain

CHORUS 1:
Teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)
Big as a house strong as the dickens (buck-buck)
Anything they want is easy pickins (buck-buck-buck)
For teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)

One said his name was Fricassi, the second Cordon Bleu
The third was Catchetori, and the fourth they just called Stew
They could’ve been dangerous having grown so big on heavy water
But they decided they would live their lives on the side of law and order

CHORUS 2:
Teenage mutant kung fu roosters (buck-buck)
Bad guys won’t have it easy like they uster (buck-ack)
They come with tai kuando and all the fixins (buck-buck-buck)
They’re teenage mutant kung fu chickens (buck-buck-buck)

SPOKEN:
Yeah, we’s just all down there at the barn holdin’ the auction
So we wouldn’t lose the farm, when all of a sudden these big pullets
With black scarves ‘round their fore’ds come over that hill yonder and
Surrounded them bankers, pecked ‘em on the heads, dropped ‘em like green persimons.
Yeah then they went down there at the bottom ‘forty, start scratchin’ around like
chickens’d wan’ to do, ‘fore you know it they’d plowed that whole field ready for plantin’.
Yeah, they saved our farm.

[A/]

CHORUS 1

Teenage mutant kung fu chickens..…….

[A/] Hey cock-a-doodle dude!

written by C. W. Kalb, Jr.
3/24/06

INTRO: F-C-D F-C-G F-C-D F-C-G

Well out in the country we didn’t have morturaries
And so it was always customary
For the undertaker to do his job and lay yer kin out right there at home
Yeah the church would lend you foldin’ chairs
And you’d have visitation and everything right there
But when the nighttime come you’d have to sit up with the dead
D INTRO
‘Cause it wasn’t right to leave ‘em alone

Well the last time I sat up was ’65
When my old arthritic Uncle Fred died
He was ninety-seven and so stooped over the mortician couldn’t straighten him out
They used a loggin’ chain down, covered that all up with a cape and a gown
And didn’t tell nobody in the family
D INTRO
‘Cause that’s the kind of stuff folks just don’t wanna know about

G (let ring) F-C-D
Well we were all sittin’ there, it was 3 in the mornin’
G (let ring) F-C-D
And then there come up a cloud of thunder lightnin’ and stormin’
Well that lightnin’ flashed and that thunder clapped
And that chain ‘round old Uncle Fred went snap
D N/C
And rattled and fell to the floor with a thump and Uncle Fred just stay right up (Yeeoowww!)

CHORUS:
And I ain’t sittin’ up with the dead no more, I don’t know ‘bout you[F-C]
No I ain’t sittin’ up with the dead no more, no matter what you say or do[Dsus4-D]
They say the dead can’t hurt ya ‘cause they already left
But what they left can sure make you hurt yourself
And I ain’t sittin’ up with the dead no more
C D INTRO
Since the dead started sittin’ up too

Well when Uncle Fred sat up so did everyone there
And there came a great partin’ of the foldin’ chairs
And that preacher nearly knocked me down, he said
“Ohhh I’m headin’ out that kitchen door!”
I hollered “Rev that kitchen ain’t got a door in it!”
He said “Don’t worry son, it will have in a minute”
G D INTRO
And I ain’t never seen so much jumpin’ and shovin’ before

And then somebody stepped on the old cat’s tail
And he let out a scream, a screech, a wail
And to say the least that howl didn’t help to calm the situation down
And then that lightnin’ flashed and that house went black
And I spoke to my feet and said “boys make tracks!”
G D INTRO
And I went through that screen door lickity-split for time

G (let ring) F-C-D
Well I cut through the cemetary, fell in a hole
G (let ring) F-C-D
It was Uncle Fred’s grave and it was dark and cold
Yeah the town drunk dug it and he dug it too deep
And unbeknownst to me he was still in there asleep
And I’m scratchin’ and jumpin’ tryin’ to get outta that hole
N/C
And he woke up and said “You might as well come over here and sit down beside me, boy
N/C
‘Cause you ain’t gettin’ outta here tonight”
N/C
But I did!

CHORUS

SPOKEN OVER INTRO:

Wasn’t no sense in nobody sittin’ up with Uncle Fred anyhow!
Uncle Fred gon’ be done sittin’ up with his own self!
Next time I’m just gonna send flowers!
Yeah

(Spoken)
This is the evening news. Let’s go now to our field reporter, Renaldo Riviera.
This is Renaldo Riviera on the banks of the Stinky Muddy River with Mr. RV Frisbee,
who claims to have witnessed something truly fantastic. Mr. Frisbee, could you tell
us what you saw?
Yeah, I was just hunkered down over there putting a stink wad on my trout line and the short
hairs just stood straight out on the back a my neck and I turned around and there’s this
big orange thing with them purple lights come swoopin over them pine trees ‘n just hoovered
over the Winnebego there. Inea’s run out and threw a skillet at it then she scissored and
run back in under the hide-a-bed. ‘Bout that time little trap door opened up, little stair
steps come down, and this little pink bald headed guy stuck his head out. Now’s I seened
that movie “Closed Encounters.” I just walked over big as life and looked up and there he was.
There who was?

I saw Elvis in a UFO, sittin there with Howard Hughes
I saw Elvis in a UFO, Jimmy Hoffa was in there too

I saw Elvis in a UFO, singin them rhythm and blues
And Liberachi was there, and he had on a pair of Imelda Marcos’s shoes

CHORUS 1:
What is that, a shootin star, streakin ‘cross the heavens above
No it’s a whole lot than a shootin star, it’s a hunka-hunka burnin love

I saw the Colonel in a UFO, he had a big smile on his face
And then he shook his head, puffed on his cigar and said
N/C
I don’t look devilish out in outer space

CHORUS 2:
And then those little pink men they all jumped in, dancin up and down the stairs
And then they rolled their eyes, began to harmonize, and it sounded like the Jordinaires

(We got Elvis in a UFO he’s too good for the human race)
Too good for the human race
(We got Elvis in a UFO, we’re gonna keep him out in outer space)
Gonna keep him out in outer space

They got Elvis in a UFO, honey have you heard the news
They got Elvis in a UFO, just singin them rhythm and blues
(spoken, over verse chords)
They got Elvis in a UFO, and the Colonel and Clyde Beels
Even Liberachi’s out there and he ain’t never had no hit record honey
I’ve done had more hits than anybody, but do I get to go in a UFO no!
Now is that fair, I’m the King of Rock n Roll, the originator
I started the whole thing baby, and I think it’s about time I get to go in a UFO
You better beam me up Scotty, you little pink bald-headed people done toyed with me
Whoooaaaaa (thank you!)

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival
by Ray Stevens
submitted by jhonen Vasquez
ok folks none of you probably know this song because you all suck and you have no
respect for rednecks like ray stevens anyway, i got these tabs off of someone on
another site i think guitartabs.com or tabcrawler.com so anyway here you go the
Mississippi squirrel revival by ray stevens

When I was a kid we?d take a trip, every summer down to Mississip?
To visit my Grannie and my Auntie Bellum Whirl.
Well, I?d run barefoot all day long, climbing trees as free as a song
And then, one day I caught myself a squirrel.
Well, I stuffed him down in an ol? shoe box, an? punched a couple of holes
in the top
And when Sunday came along, I snuck him into church.
Well, I?us sittin? way back in the very last pew, a?showin him to my good
buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally bezerk!
What happened next is hard to tell, some thought it was heaven some
thought
it was hell, but the fact that sumptn?s amoung us was plain to tell
As the choir sand “I Surrender All”, the squirrel ran up Harv Newman?s
coveralls; Harv jumped to his feet and said “Sumpn?s got a hol? a
me!”
Chorus:
The day the squirrel went bezerk in the First Self-Righteous Church,
In the sleepy little town of Pasquagulla.
It was a fight for survival, that turned up in revival
They were jumpin? pews and singing “Hallejulia”.
Well, Harv hit the aisles a dancin? and a screamin?
Some thought he had religion, some thought he had a demon,
But Harv thought he had a weed-eater loose in his “fruit of the looms”
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out his
britches leg
Unobserved by the other side of the room.
Well, it ran on down to the Amen pew where sat Sister Berthat Better than
you
Who?d been watchin? all the commotion with sadistic glee.
Well, you should?a seen the look in here eyes when that squirrel jumped
her
garters and crossed her thighs
And she jumped to her feet and said “LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME”
As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess
To sins that?d make a sailor blush with shame.
She told of gossip and church dessention, but the thing that got the most
attention
Is when she talked about her love life and started naming names!
Chorus
Well, seven deacons and the pastor got saved and twenty-five thousand
dollars
got raised and fifty volunteered for missions in the Congo on the spot.
And even without an invitation, here were at least five hundred
rededications,
and we all got rebaptized wheter we needed it or not.
Now, you?ve heard the Bible story I guess, how God parted the waters so
Moses could pass.
Oh, The miracles God has wroght in this ol? world
But the one I?ll remember to my dying day, is how He put that church on
the
narrow way
With one hald crazed Mississipi Squirrel.
Chorus